outside in

You, my child.

You are before me with eyes wide open and I search myself for what it means to raise you. Love over contempt, action over apathy, acceptance over fear. We teach by example, you and I; learning through each day we are allowed another opportunity.

I and you –  anger and retract, push and apologize, cry and try harder. I see me in you – the good and the bad – and am too hard on you when I see pieces of myself that I wish not to see.

You act and I learn, you fear and I understand, you hurt and I die a thousand lives in one moment while I hold you with voice strong and embrace stronger. Together we hold hands that at times are hard to extend when we are at our most vulnerable existence.

We are beauty in that we are. And then there is you, and you.  Individual and exquisitely you and I love with admiration deep and mind altering.  

And when I think I have seen the most beautiful creatures on earth I am afforded the opportunity to view you through the looking-glass of another. And I am in awe. Always in awe of you but the view from outside in is truly breath-taking.

ily, mm

I saw your beautiful being tonight through tears. Tears that I had two years ago. Tears that were easier to define tonight, though. They were tears of joy and amazement at you…a young woman now; no longer a child…and they streamed from my eyes the moment I set eyes on your eyes.

You see, you were my child for the better part of a year, and then you were gone, and I didn’t know what to do with that piece of love and missing…and maybe you didn’t either. I wanted to be angry and protect my own, but you had become my own, so then I was torn between two loves and feeling everyone’s pain.

I want you to know that he was the guiding light; the guiding soul; the one who led me back to love for you because his capacity for love is unbridled. But you already know that; his being shows exactly who he is and how glorious it is to love through his eyes.

My arms and heart will embrace you forever, no matter where you are; part of you will always be my child, and part of my heart will always belong to you.

headbutt

i need you to know…

my love is there.

i push, because-

i want you to grow, into

your best you.

my strength – your strength –

same eyes,

same legs,

same heart –

butt heads;

push and pull, and

i know…

it’s hard to carry your load, and

it’s hard to carry my load, and

i need you to know…

my love is there.

i push, because

i see amazingness

in you.

i just needed you to…

know.

she

she, who packages her face and body and eye gaze neatly within the

confines of self

there, nothing and nobody can penetrate her

in her ultimate safety

wary, her downward gaze tells me, of getting attached again;

unsure of the longevity of it all

she doesn’t like loud voices

or suitcases

or tears

Pain is constant, yet each episode temporary

(I tell her)

Soon enough she will understand…

that each episode of her life is a finely crafted square of her

quilted self;

delicately stitched together to

create her

If she is at all like me, the toughest of pains will grow the largest and most beautiful of forces within her.

If she is at all like me, she will don her blinders of self-preservation until she is able to inhale fully, expand her diaphragm to capacity, and exhale with strength and resolve.

If she is at all like me, she will stumble and fall and roll and crawl as she aims for grace.

If she is at all like me…she will never give up.

girls on the #wdw circuit

three concerts

three cities

seven days

twenty car rides

four planes

twelve tickets

two lanyards

four dog tags

bracelets, all colors

too many to name

five boys loved by two of my girls

three photos pro style and pro money

six outfits well planned

stolen laces

one birthday of 13

colorful macaroons aplenty

nerves, glowing cheeks, near fainting

long lines and lite rain

hugs, conversation

name drop

orange plaid pants

and a very long scrabble game