stupid is as stupid does

It’s hard to believe that eight years have passed since I have been in this house instead of that one; this life instead of that one. These responsibilities in addition to those. Surreal, really.

There is no super to call when the toilets overflow or the fridge leaks, but if you have known me for any amount of time, you know that I see that as: Challenge Accepted. There’s just something about me that is oddly bent on doing things my way, and I don’t really know what that is…I just know it is and I must.

I don’t like details. Well, I do, but only when my brain deems them necessary. Which is absolutely random and always surprises me, to say the least. Somehow I have raised two children with only the big picture – the end result – in mind. Or maybe it’s with just the day-to-day in mind. There’s even too much detail required for me to figure that out, so let’s just say I’m not fantastic (to say the least) with details. As in, too many of them overwhelm me. Too many of them make my brain feel like flapping hummingbirds run amok. Too many of them just feel like too much.

Today, though, the details mattered. Today, the details ripped apart my fucking heart. Today, the details that took my breath away labeled my child as “stupid”. And my heart, mind, soul, and fists are ubiquitously on fire.

I understand fear. I understand fear because you don’t understand. That’s where it ends for me, though; scared with awful and mean don’t resonate in my understanding. Telling your child to refer to my chid as “stupid” because non-binary pronouns are confusing to you, or them, is a cop out. Your words a display of blatant refusal to open your mind to options other than what you are; the middle- or high-school bully that has killed so many souls. And flesh. Have you ever thought about the powerfulness of words? My guess is no, you have not. They fly from your mouth without a thought and you don’t understand who you kill along the way.

Shame on you. As an adult and parent you have a responsibility to be better. It’s an unspoken oath. We raise them to be above and better than us, not to succumb to our myriad insecurities and biases. You could have killed another child with your words tonight; but not this one. Never this one. They are stronger and more evolved than you could ever wish to emulate. They have no use for hate.

Your words fill us with wonder and anger – and then we feel sorry for your pathetic existence. And we hope you grow. You are missing out on a ton of greatness with your eyes closed.

if

If you’d just practiced more

You would have been better

If you’d just played better

He would have noticed you

If you’d have simply lost ten pounds

He might have acknowledged you

If you’d have known there were requirements to his love that made sense,

You might have:

Loved yourself more…

Never questioned your worth…

You might not have adhered yourself to the pain of non-existence…

If you were not so amazingly you,

You might not have:

Sobbed uncontrollably…

Held me tight…

Shared your exquisite beauty with me…

If I could shelter you from the pain, I would

If I could go back in time, I wouldn’t

Because then,

I would not have had YOU

ily, mm

I saw your beautiful being tonight through tears. Tears that I had two years ago. Tears that were easier to define tonight, though. They were tears of joy and amazement at you…a young woman now; no longer a child…and they streamed from my eyes the moment I set eyes on your eyes.

You see, you were my child for the better part of a year, and then you were gone, and I didn’t know what to do with that piece of love and missing…and maybe you didn’t either. I wanted to be angry and protect my own, but you had become my own, so then I was torn between two loves and feeling everyone’s pain.

I want you to know that he was the guiding light; the guiding soul; the one who led me back to love for you because his capacity for love is unbridled. But you already know that; his being shows exactly who he is and how glorious it is to love through his eyes.

My arms and heart will embrace you forever, no matter where you are; part of you will always be my child, and part of my heart will always belong to you.

headbutt

i need you to know…

my love is there.

i push, because-

i want you to grow, into

your best you.

my strength – your strength –

same eyes,

same legs,

same heart –

butt heads;

push and pull, and

i know…

it’s hard to carry your load, and

it’s hard to carry my load, and

i need you to know…

my love is there.

i push, because

i see amazingness

in you.

i just needed you to…

know.

letter to my children

I just saw my life flash before me.  It is through the imagining of my last days that I try and decipher what I most want to share with you.  You can’t leave it all behind with no warning; you can’t even begin to try.  I find myself wanting to impart life lessons as equally as I want to simply savor these last moments with you.

But I do want to talk to you about love.  It’s one thing I have given my all to, yet never really mastered.  I love with a heart so full, it’s hard to tame, and it sometimes gets the best of me.  I’m not sure whether mastery in love exists or is possible, but I do know I have learned most of what I know about myself through loving others…and you will too.  I will tell you also to love with your fullest heart each time you love. Trust yourself and test your boundaries, but know when to reel it in as well.  Wear your heart on one sleeve maybe, but not both.  I love that I have loved with my raw and real core; that I have loved deeply and truly and painfully and with passion.  But I was afraid when I should not have been; confident when it made no sense to be. You’re bound to go through your share of loves and heartbreaks, and you’ll come to understand, through your own experiences, how beautiful and intricate and complex and simple love is.

Know this:  You’ll always be able to pick up the pieces – no matter what.  I think that is part of what makes the act of loving so beautiful.  When your heart is ripped from beneath you…when you feel as though you cannot carry on through the pain…it is then you will know you are truly alive; and from there you will package up your grace and every last ounce of strength you have and put your heart back together…and you will love again.

Be gentle, child; not only with your own heart but with the hearts of those you love. They are trusting in you to handle them with care.  Your loves may not last forever and that’s OK; love kindly and passionately with a full and beating heart when you do.  Be compassionate.

Most importantly, love you first.  Your heart won’t ever be ready to protect the heart of another until it knows it is safe with you.

girls on the #wdw circuit

three concerts

three cities

seven days

twenty car rides

four planes

twelve tickets

two lanyards

four dog tags

bracelets, all colors

too many to name

five boys loved by two of my girls

three photos pro style and pro money

six outfits well planned

stolen laces

one birthday of 13

colorful macaroons aplenty

nerves, glowing cheeks, near fainting

long lines and lite rain

hugs, conversation

name drop

orange plaid pants

and a very long scrabble game