Author Archives: Suzy Ham

I have cancer that is not visible. It’s there and growing, and it seems to be no medical priority to anyone on my “care team”. At this point, almost 10 weeks since the tumors were discovered, it is old news deeply buried in the editor’s pile of things that aren’t really considered pressworthy; at leastContinue reading “cancer you can’t see”

I’m learning that this whole cancer experience, much like life, is just a cycle of ebbing and flowing. Any expression of what I am feeling or thinking, at any given moment, is just fine. And I need to stop thinking that I’ve finally mastered my emotions…there will be good days and there will be badContinue reading “ebb & flow”

Do you ever feel like you just keep becoming more crazy by the day, and you can neither find the pause, nor stop, nor eject button? That’s a pretty clear description of how I feel right now, and it may not say much at all, or it may give a clue that I am tryingContinue reading “moth balls”

In case you never noticed, the path you never chose has chosen you ~ Jason Mraz I wish I wasn’t so damn conflicted about everything in my life right now. I don’t even know if conflicted is the right word or feeling. These are probably thoughts that need to just be buried inside some privateContinue reading “unfold”

It’s like getting ready to have a baby. Everything about the experience is unknown until it isn’t, so you spend your minutes, hours, and days just preparing for who even knows what…you just know there’s gonna be something new coming into your life, and you trust that you’ll figure it out. In the meantime though,Continue reading “nesting”

I have a couple of things to share that all contribute to today feeling like a normal day. But first I’ll point out the obvious that it is 5:01 am in my timezone and I have not yet been to sleep. This leads me to believe that what I have read about cancer and insomniaContinue reading “life 1; cancer 0”

I don’t know what day it is. Seems easier now to gauge time in terms of how many days it has been since I had which appointment or received which diagnosis. And since it has now been two days since I started trying to write this, my only way of capturing time currently is byContinue reading “i think i’m scared”

I’m a day or two shy, give or take, of finding out what all this weirdness is going to mean. It’s been a struggle to get my words on both paper and screen this time around…I think the thoughts hit too close to the heart so I’m almost afraid to think or feel them, letContinue reading “boobs on ice, or something like that”

So, I initially entitled this post “day 9.5”. Then I counted back, and reality was, umm, 3. Not even 3.5…just 3. Period. I had to erase and correct, which means I had to also take ownership of some shit that’s been playing pinball inside my head.. like getting ahead of myself by 2/3rds or whateverContinue reading “day 3.5”

So it seems I have cancer. Suspiciousness enough weirdness on the annual mammogram to warrant every diagnostic tool and test possible. Rapidly scheduled follow up diagnostics and technicians who leave the room mid-imaging for periods of time that seem like eternity. No small talk. No chit chat. Just the facts, ma’am, and quite frankly theContinue reading “a new day”