a new day

So it seems I have cancer. Suspiciousness enough weirdness on the annual mammogram to warrant every diagnostic tool and test possible. Rapidly scheduled follow up diagnostics and technicians who leave the room mid-imaging for periods of time that seem like eternity.

No small talk. No chit chat. Just the facts, ma’am, and quite frankly the facts don’t look good. But we can’t tell you that yet so we’re just gonna pretend like humans are not supposed to interact. What model was it along the way that decided healthcare sans humanity would provide benefit to anyone; patient or provider?

At the core of whatever it is we do to bring home a paycheck is the human quotient. The reason we survive is because we continually take turns picking each other up. I understand there are boundaries but I don’t understand how you stop seeing the human.

But I digress. Because what this started as was a knee high plod through a pre- cancer diagnosis. It’s just that the days that drag out into the final knowing can make you fucking crazy, so you spin and sway a bit and maybe find yourself questioning whether you are who you have believed yourself to be. And I think I have finally landed on a peace with it all. Regardless the news I get next week, I’ve already been given a plethora of gifts. I’m already grateful.

I know what it is even though I haven’t officially been told what it is. It doesn’t really take much to read into the nuances of interactions with medical staff when they don’t know how to say what they’re not sure they can tell you.

And then there’s google to make you completely batshit crazy in the days that loom between the onslaught of tests and the words that will finally offer you peace; whichever piece they present you.

In summary of tonight’s rambling thoughts…

I may or may not have cancer.

It seems to be pointing nearer to yes than no.

Either way I win. I have already grown exponentially as a human.

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